yup. that pretty much sums it all up. i reach one conclusion. i am sinful. i think far too highly of myself. i am too proud to admit that i fail.fail.fail. everyday i fail. that pride permeates my soul. then i think of the saving grace God has given me. i dont deserve salvation and yet christ saved me..how beautiful and worthy of praise is God almighty!??

so with this understanding i (the recovering perfectionistic,self-reliant, emotionally driven, works based, immature, bad speller,that I am)

write on

there are dishes to be done, clothes to be washed, errands to run, and people to see. but today i would rather curl up on my bed and throw the covers over my head.

“yes world spin on..i will be right here if you need me.”  there is a blurry line between relaxing and being lazy. my days are becoming routine. for a girl who is scared of the smallest of changes one would think it would be a relief. but instead i find things to be fearful about. I am the fear hunter. as soon as i spot one i give myself to it. just being honest. i do not rejoice in this. in fact i cringe at the sight of my sin. again Lord i come to you. pride. who knew that pride could show in the most piglet like ways. fear marks my self reliance. “be anxious for nothing” is your command. “but God look!”

foolish foolish pride.     as if He couldnt handle it……..I am the one who cant handle it

God I repent

Lord I am tired of myself.

I know You are working in me. The words that fall out of me have the same ping when they hit the ground.

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s KABLAMMMMMM!!!!!!!! (SINNER)

I find blogging be a bragging board for my flesh..FEELINGS FEELINGS BLAH BLAH FEELINGS WAHHHWAHHH WAHHHHHHHHHH

Seriously!?

Lord Help me!!! It is true there is nothing new under the sun..but my life is in a TOTALLY new season!!

Can you imagine? Me ? The one who depends on the comfort of the familiar having in my personage nothing familiar?

depending on your emotions is comparable to depending on a blind infant driver on 75 at six pm on a friday during NBA all stars weekend in the middle of a thunderstorm with all the highland park mothers and business men riding your tail while texting and drinking their iced grande two pump white mocha lattes with two splendas

Not a good idea

so praise God for self control

Salvation belongs to our God

a vent  a rant an overflow of all these glorious things

a ring a new name my soul sings!!!! oh gloriously humbling thing..that a man should desire me. so pure so true..God we give glory to you!

For you brought us here to this place..I look behind me and scratch my head..How in the world??  And sometimes I believe You’re amused at how easily I forget You are good…and in Control..how quick I am to run to everything but You…and believe everything but what is true ..my sin so clearly displayed..oh the blood of Christ….and the strength to trust is a divine working indeed..

If I got what I planned I be a million miles away in prideful isolation ..reverse humility ..a victim yet again… my turn to be surprised..for when You opened up my eyes you place before me the most patient being …And I threw many tantrums..I find I have a talent for that..to push love away..once a victim always a victim..unless God be glorified in me…

tender he always is..loving ..marvelous and mine… God grant me the grace to treasure him in no small measure

now for the circumstances we find

time not enough…why do dresses cost so blasted much?

invites cakes flowers and all these fretful things…Yet I am having a ball with it all..everytime I see him..it melts clean away

and I worry..where will I live? goodbye room mate..what an odd situation we find ourselves

how will I get to work? (blasted cars and things) time time time time time time

home ..I miss you

And these headaches last for so long…dizzy girl

now standing up and dusting off circumstantial things …

submission to Him

and the coming peace..

NOT One Answer has come…I am still full and fighting the urge to cry..how fast these weeks will fly

but I have him

and God glorious and mighty constant when I am so flighty

never a fast pace challenge…no…much harder than that…its the last stretch a long long run..and you have to sprint..and you head pounds..your feet bleed…your eyes blur from the pain surging through your body…your feet would hurt..if you could find them that is..the ground once firm now fluid…and everyone yells for you to run…you stop thinking..you have to..continuing defys all logic…and I wish I could stop..loved ones falling by your side…loved ones…loved ones…

and the truth is now for debate…go ..please try..truth needs not your agreement…and in the end you’ll see why

and you can sing a pretty song and dance a lovely dance..and have f a i t h in truck loads..and cry hard..yes you’ll cry hard..and repent..for your benefit…great benefits

HE IS THE one and Only Holy Soveriegn Unchanging Just Righteous Good Faithful Mighty GOD

Holds power…His alone…His alone..and if itgrazes your life it is for the GLORY OF HIS NAME

and if you feel Him remember the CROSS..if you LOVE HIM                       OBEY

Drip arrogance….drip arrogance            Refusing HIM   Denying His words…His living giving words

And  If                                             He   Gave YOU NOTHING

WOULD HE STILL BE GOOD? LORD? JUSTLY JUDGING? ALMIGHTY? SOVEREIGN? PERFECT? BLAMELESS?    HOLY?

Would His Character have changed?

Jesus…Jesus..oh compassion…

but if you never know Him…oh God…

Yes you are…my phone lights up and I freeze..I have a love hate relationship with my phone..One moment I am ready to toss it out the window ..the next I am smiling at it..what A funny thing…my heart pounds and my hands become shaking…I read Psalms and I know Jesus my trust must be in you..and when I start to look for hope in a text message…well lets not..I am so easily offended…and gaurded…I feel the knots grow in my neck..at the thought of you…at a word from you…”Do not fret-it only causes harm”…When did I become so pessimisstic?

Jesus how do I trust in you? How do I put my hope in you? When I feel so unsteady and shakey…tossed so too and fro…such an infant…and so I flex my tiny arms..Jesus thank you…

You reach out your hand to me..You ask me to trust you..

Fist tightly closed…shoulders kissing my ears…squinty eyes…”No no no no no no …’ met with sweet relief…none of the stress do I have to go through…

I peep to see you patiently smiling..”I have you..you see..I hold you” and my hand is in yours

And while I am beginning to understand this…I have seen what he says as a threat…and his movement a reason to cringe…its not fair to him…Jesus give me strength and grace for this…I might bite his head off..God give me grace to be a kind friend..one that is true..and not degrading…help me pull through

the damaged do damage… I want to be ok here..Jesus be glorified..if this is what it takes for you to have the most honor..then so be it…but God I dont want to do damage in my scared state..Give me peace Holy spirit…

Steady my feet…steady my heart..steady my mind..and take my thoughts

Fear is something that I have more knowledge of then I ever intended..My mind is working over time here..God by your spirit give me strength to overcome this fear..and I felt somehow yesterday was a bad day..and its night proved my thoughts to be somewhat sound…or that I am hopelessly pessimisstic..He said nothing different…”I never wanted us t0 get to this point”…oh except for that…Numbness is a visitor of mine..

Picture a little lady frantically lining the windows, walls, and doors with pillows…Her eyes flashing fear at anyone who dare come near…preparing for a storm not promised…yet so vivid in her mind

she is me …..nothing has changed…but everything has…I felt the caution in my heart…I am a wobbling baby…I watch him..God help me when I seek after another…I come running to you..Jesus voids that form..I give them to you…

fix my eyes on what is real…and the unknown..do what you do

and I see fast approaching … my last blog could be about me..I am almost crossing the finish line…I am wondering at who will be standing in the crowd when the tape breaks…

eating plastic and discrediting cookies…There is caution within me…glimpes tendancy…surfacing fear…to run or to stay…and I grow weary and scared ..where are my eyes just now…To look from You is to seal a fate…Merciful Jesus How I need You…and I look at my life and remember with gratitude that I surrender it all to you…I incline my ear…pushing down emotion and fear…Jesus I am so glad you are here…and two years have not passed…I will not rush through…thankful for every minute I am with You…may I be meek before You…obedient…faithful…unwavoring…slow to speak ..slow to move..may it not be an option to sway…Jesus Your Cross humbles me…Master and Lord…May my inward life honor You..and the thoughts that come to pull me away…Holy Spirit that seals me grant me strength to stay wholly surrendered to You..As though I could be anything but Yours…

I see my life and I feel I am on auto pilot…How do I stay true to the course? You word grounds me…You Word guides me…Jesus How I need You…and I dont want to look in the mirror and see looking back a girl from 3 years ago..anxious and clinging…manipulated and giving…unrepentant…requiring something one can not give…how am I to do this Jesus? Show me what to do..

night two…I rewind (as I usually do) the events of semester 3…I learned to write research and comparison papers. . somehow..I got into horrible fights…I yelled abandonment..and now I begin to sink slowly into an unknown place…I ask shell and ma the same question…and realized whatever the answer my situation remains..it could be december ..it could be 16 years from now…do I trust Him?  Truth be told I havent… and discontentment seeps into my thoughts..regretably so..thursday was a day to write about…I sat in a large empty ib…watching my constants line the walls…and feeling badly that I blew up the nigh before…I guess it is the closest thing to free falling I can currently imagine..secutity becomes a vague rememberance as I lash out at the rope thats broken from around me..God your mercy displays your power…

I was in the hospital…(last semester)…due to the shock i felt…and I am not aways sure what to do..but at the end of the day I must trust you…and now that I am home and I see the faces of those I once knew..I feel a fear creeping up inside me…to speak or not to speak…I see them slipping away without ever knowing…I believed it all..but now my eyes are wide open

additionally both he and him signed off…not that I had hope..but something that would resemble the bud of a dream of hope to be unfulfilled..and I am pretty sure I am about to be the victum of aranged marriage…why do people pretend to be your friend when their intentions are in fact purjury?  and somehow they get mad at you when you profess to be baffled? 

and worse yet why do I care? desperation is not becoming…ans still I wonder at the tone in your voice…and the shape of your face..and your hands…will mine be lost in yours? protect provide love and lead me..

and with your words be soft and with your time please be generous as well with your ears…and with your character and faith never waver…upon my honor I will, with grace, return the favor…and fill my home with you…

I detest liars….I found him to be one..and there lies the frustration…integrity wins always…

and he is not here…this I know to be true..but the benches were not full…and I climb the stairs to see if you were there and all i found was an empty street with a questionable truck and security guard…and I knew the rope was really gone on friday when I packed up my apartment in the span of three hours and realied a suitcase possessed my life.and then I lost it on saturday somewhere between dallas and home…

you want to know something? some days I wish it was you…and then thats when I get mad…because I land in prickles of dissapointment …and I regret that I looked away from the steady striaght of way..

all in a days thought….and the campers are swiftly appoarching me…

but lastly but not least

Hail the Conquering Grads..your fight has just begun

trapped….very snug..and the problem is it’s inside..the problem is it’s inside

and in due fashion I’ve pulled out the bomb and offered it to them

I dont know what it is…the more I try to squeeze out the tighter I am inside..

my words are sealing me in..words that drop like glue

you are years old….somehow still dysfunctional

it happend this summer…it happened at Cox

it happeded this ..

when I speak it’s out of oain

and not from anything steady..it’s shaking and messy

it’s what I get for picking up a pen with the blood still on my hand

wash me off…It’s not self injury i can tell you that

trapped