Light Heart Where did you go

Full force..thats how this place works..full force

never a fast pace challenge…no…much harder than that…its the last stretch a long long run..and you have to sprint..and you head pounds..your feet bleed…your eyes blur from the pain surging through your body…your feet would hurt..if you could find them that is..the ground once firm now fluid…and everyone yells for you to run…you stop thinking..you have to..continuing defys all logic…and I wish I could stop..loved ones falling by your side…loved ones…loved ones…

and the truth is now for debate…go ..please try..truth needs not your agreement…and in the end you’ll see why

and you can sing a pretty song and dance a lovely dance..and have f a i t h in truck loads..and cry hard..yes you’ll cry hard..and repent..for your benefit…great benefits

HE IS THE one and Only Holy Soveriegn Unchanging Just Righteous Good Faithful Mighty GOD

Holds power…His alone…His alone..and if itgrazes your life it is for the GLORY OF HIS NAME

and if you feel Him remember the CROSS..if you LOVE HIM                       OBEY

Drip arrogance….drip arrogance            Refusing HIM   Denying His words…His living giving words

And  If                                             He   Gave YOU NOTHING

WOULD HE STILL BE GOOD? LORD? JUSTLY JUDGING? ALMIGHTY? SOVEREIGN? PERFECT? BLAMELESS?    HOLY?

Would His Character have changed?

Jesus…Jesus..oh compassion…

but if you never know Him…oh God…

My hands are shaking

Refining..I smile

Yes you are…my phone lights up and I freeze..I have a love hate relationship with my phone..One moment I am ready to toss it out the window ..the next I am smiling at it..what A funny thing…my heart pounds and my hands become shaking…I read Psalms and I know Jesus my trust must be in you..and when I start to look for hope in a text message…well lets not..I am so easily offended…and gaurded…I feel the knots grow in my neck..at the thought of you…at a word from you…”Do not fret-it only causes harm”…When did I become so pessimisstic?

Jesus how do I trust in you? How do I put my hope in you? When I feel so unsteady and shakey…tossed so too and fro…such an infant…and so I flex my tiny arms..Jesus thank you…

You reach out your hand to me..You ask me to trust you..

Fist tightly closed…shoulders kissing my ears…squinty eyes…”No no no no no no …’ met with sweet relief…none of the stress do I have to go through…

I peep to see you patiently smiling..”I have you..you see..I hold you” and my hand is in yours

And while I am beginning to understand this…I have seen what he says as a threat…and his movement a reason to cringe…its not fair to him…Jesus give me strength and grace for this…I might bite his head off..God give me grace to be a kind friend..one that is true..and not degrading…help me pull through

the damaged do damage… I want to be ok here..Jesus be glorified..if this is what it takes for you to have the most honor..then so be it…but God I dont want to do damage in my scared state..Give me peace Holy spirit…

Steady my feet…steady my heart..steady my mind..and take my thoughts

Voids

In five minutes…..

Fear is something that I have more knowledge of then I ever intended..My mind is working over time here..God by your spirit give me strength to overcome this fear..and I felt somehow yesterday was a bad day..and its night proved my thoughts to be somewhat sound…or that I am hopelessly pessimisstic..He said nothing different…”I never wanted us t0 get to this point”…oh except for that…Numbness is a visitor of mine..

Picture a little lady frantically lining the windows, walls, and doors with pillows…Her eyes flashing fear at anyone who dare come near…preparing for a storm not promised…yet so vivid in her mind

she is me …..nothing has changed…but everything has…I felt the caution in my heart…I am a wobbling baby…I watch him..God help me when I seek after another…I come running to you..Jesus voids that form..I give them to you…

fix my eyes on what is real…and the unknown..do what you do

As of Late

How Shocking this turn in events… 18 hour days shot us forward into something I had not expected…

and I see fast approaching … my last blog could be about me..I am almost crossing the finish line…I am wondering at who will be standing in the crowd when the tape breaks…

eating plastic and discrediting cookies…There is caution within me…glimpes tendancy…surfacing fear…to run or to stay…and I grow weary and scared ..where are my eyes just now…To look from You is to seal a fate…Merciful Jesus How I need You…and I look at my life and remember with gratitude that I surrender it all to you…I incline my ear…pushing down emotion and fear…Jesus I am so glad you are here…and two years have not passed…I will not rush through…thankful for every minute I am with You…may I be meek before You…obedient…faithful…unwavoring…slow to speak ..slow to move..may it not be an option to sway…Jesus Your Cross humbles me…Master and Lord…May my inward life honor You..and the thoughts that come to pull me away…Holy Spirit that seals me grant me strength to stay wholly surrendered to You..As though I could be anything but Yours…

I see my life and I feel I am on auto pilot…How do I stay true to the course? You word grounds me…You Word guides me…Jesus How I need You…and I dont want to look in the mirror and see looking back a girl from 3 years ago..anxious and clinging…manipulated and giving…unrepentant…requiring something one can not give…how am I to do this Jesus? Show me what to do..

Hail the Conquering Grads

truth be told my eyes are to heavy to write..still my mind is full..

night two…I rewind (as I usually do) the events of semester 3…I learned to write research and comparison papers. . somehow..I got into horrible fights…I yelled abandonment..and now I begin to sink slowly into an unknown place…I ask shell and ma the same question…and realized whatever the answer my situation remains..it could be december ..it could be 16 years from now…do I trust Him?  Truth be told I havent… and discontentment seeps into my thoughts..regretably so..thursday was a day to write about…I sat in a large empty ib…watching my constants line the walls…and feeling badly that I blew up the nigh before…I guess it is the closest thing to free falling I can currently imagine..secutity becomes a vague rememberance as I lash out at the rope thats broken from around me..God your mercy displays your power…

I was in the hospital…(last semester)…due to the shock i felt…and I am not aways sure what to do..but at the end of the day I must trust you…and now that I am home and I see the faces of those I once knew..I feel a fear creeping up inside me…to speak or not to speak…I see them slipping away without ever knowing…I believed it all..but now my eyes are wide open

additionally both he and him signed off…not that I had hope..but something that would resemble the bud of a dream of hope to be unfulfilled..and I am pretty sure I am about to be the victum of aranged marriage…why do people pretend to be your friend when their intentions are in fact purjury?  and somehow they get mad at you when you profess to be baffled? 

and worse yet why do I care? desperation is not becoming…ans still I wonder at the tone in your voice…and the shape of your face..and your hands…will mine be lost in yours? protect provide love and lead me..

and with your words be soft and with your time please be generous as well with your ears…and with your character and faith never waver…upon my honor I will, with grace, return the favor…and fill my home with you…

I detest liars….I found him to be one..and there lies the frustration…integrity wins always…

and he is not here…this I know to be true..but the benches were not full…and I climb the stairs to see if you were there and all i found was an empty street with a questionable truck and security guard…and I knew the rope was really gone on friday when I packed up my apartment in the span of three hours and realied a suitcase possessed my life.and then I lost it on saturday somewhere between dallas and home…

you want to know something? some days I wish it was you…and then thats when I get mad…because I land in prickles of dissapointment …and I regret that I looked away from the steady striaght of way..

all in a days thought….and the campers are swiftly appoarching me…

but lastly but not least

Hail the Conquering Grads..your fight has just begun

and she’s got herself boxed in again

I was just fine.. I saw the crowd around the room and ran to the nearest corner..I procedded to pile everything around me

trapped….very snug..and the problem is it’s inside..the problem is it’s inside

and in due fashion I’ve pulled out the bomb and offered it to them

I dont know what it is…the more I try to squeeze out the tighter I am inside..

my words are sealing me in..words that drop like glue

you are years old….somehow still dysfunctional

it happend this summer…it happened at Cox

it happeded this ..

when I speak it’s out of oain

and not from anything steady..it’s shaking and messy

it’s what I get for picking up a pen with the blood still on my hand

wash me off…It’s not self injury i can tell you that

trapped

I could address this to { insert 5million things here}

many things could come blasting out  but one thing at a time  or we’ll all be killed off spartan style

I could not stand you for a while and then I missed you and then I wished you had not gone

you showed up different… bitter..yea I know youre bitter..you wear it like skin covered up with makeup of happy christianity..liar..I know you are..because my mouth has formed the words yours does now..I memorized the shape and can feel it somehow when you speak..like an echo of shapes instead of sounds

he screwed up

I see it time and again.. but the fault lies in hope in man..your will be let down…if you bulit it up..and

then her tears bottled up for countless years..the tense pain ..pressure no one else could name..I felt it and you blasted me..bottle rocket to the brain..I feel sorry for you..but I dont know what to do

and then theres him..oh boy..I miss him so …life winding on and a replacement …I scramble around trying to find one..”Ok me too!” we lost teeth together so this we do too one and the same…no?

but It would be my great fall a demise of my heart … I line up the faces of …..no one…..no one  at all

I dont trust him.. I wont trust him….I dont trust him at all..no one stays around..sing laugh say pretty things promise me nothing dont waste my time..you know what you want just go take it from someone who doesnt really care..but I did and you knew it..yes you knew it..but you had to pick me didnt you…and I cannot see things differently.. Oh your pretty…pretty lie..it’s wonderful lie…forever lie…it’s coming lie…be patient lie…I’ll be around lie

 Excuse me but could you kindly shut up and stay away from me..I dont mean that horribly it’s just that you do more damage then good

you sucker of life..I have nothing left to give you…I have nothing left to give you..I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE YOU…So let me be dear God please..

and you walk away  or get weird..I really hate when they get weird everything screws up and its worse when you do…cause you lose them and you too

and I’ll be remorseful and sorry I guess

I am tired and sleep hasnt helped……Hide me away..God Hide me away..It cannot return to the way I lived for those months of tedious stress…never never never having rest..I am fix her and him and them and never catching anything true….I am so tired of you…I dont think this is loving and I am sorry for that…I am just being disgustingly honest about where I am at..and balance whats that?…one thing at a time eh?How do you do even one thing where is the rest? it’s not in my dreams that leave more worse then I was before..I go in that building and want to leave ..I see you coming and I want to hide..and I  want to cry but I feel more frustrated then anything and I cant spell well..everything comes out a mess and I marvel at the people who write pretty verses and wow all there friends on facebook..but it doesnt seem to work for me..I am wondering about salvation? Who is and whos not? what do I say and who to? God I am yours..and there goes your finger over my trembling lip…you stop it with the sweetest kiss..I retain everything I hear and see..and I dont know how to let it be..no one has the patience to really hear me.

Quote “it’s ok I just check out.” “well we all know your good at that”…”cant you just do something fun” “and I knew you’d want to talk” “I just wasnt in the mood to hangout” “I forgot” “you already question my judgement”

“Talk to me”   “ARE YOU REALLY AVALIBLE TO ME? BECAUSE RIGHT NOW i AM SCARED OUT OF MY MIND OF YOU?

I am scared out of my mind of You..I am scared out of my mind of you..and I am not sure what to do

Home and when I am not

I adjusted the mirror to look back at what I had just past…

A blast of cool air had stirred loose ends ..they flew out the window.. but I’ll see them again

Not that I want to.. a  boomerang that will hit me in the head between the eyes…I’ll be blacked out till July

I laugh I dream I sleep…I love home…I am at peace here

Holding his hand and listening to her speak..Fighting and making up

Savor  ….slowly….savor

I remember there and I’d rather not….Somethings make sense and others …

I like not teetering and hoping you’ll stay

I get tired of wondering when you’ll walk away

and I want to BE

Look out you’ve underestimated me   If the wind starts to blow and the rain cold falls sickness rest in an unrenewed mind

I have 20/20 here..but there……I cannot see my hand before me…. my actions…..the things I grip too tightly unclear

It could be a very long year

I am bracing myself here

Wincing inside ….I don’t want to go

Get it out

when he is around I feel awkward, annoying, insecure, insignificant,  not interesting,unnoticed, scared,stupid,dissatisfied,anxious, worried, unsettled,worthless, and not captivating. I am a last thought, socially inept, and without value, unclear,just a bother, lacking talent, and over-looked. Just one among the many. I have no value. I am  not capable and undeserving (of his time that is). Desperate, foolish, pitiful, weak, and patronized.Boring, loud, quiet, too “deep”, too shallow, too pensive, and thoughtless. Ugly, self-aware (in the most painful way)Obsessive, hopeless… over-thinking. Basically Everything he would never want.

and that just the start

Now to the most important stuff. All this time I question you. Not that you don’t exist, but what about you can I trust. Even things I have thought to be good seem to cause fear and stress. And I don’t know what to believe. Do you have any idea how much that sucks? And I am afraid of You. I don’t feel I can trust You anymore. My faith is shaking. I dont know what to grab. I am physically done in. I have no food. yea I know the scripture. While tomorrow is taking care of it self what do i do? I hate writing this..I hate my humanity beaming out of me..I’d rather have lasers pointing in my eyes. Still here it comes like spewing vomit..yes it is horribly graphic..but no matter what I do It’s there…Ha you l know what I just thought !!!? Is that sound doctrine!!!!! Paralyze me and i GO NO WHERE……..Is that the plan..get me so focused on what not to do, and what I should do that I do nothing..it’s directly crippling…And what of my FAITH God??????? And the future? Oh..Can’t think about it. It gets fogging in the present..Home is not my saving grace.. I will get there and not know what to do..or think…I have not comfort and no rest..people ask me for things and O cannot give them.Soon after I became clumsy and convicted…give till there is nothing left eh? Oh God emotions…

I am a beaten paralytic fighter…being asked to fight….hold my arms up..hold my head up..I’ll fight for you

If i cry through just let the tears fall…there is no wall I want between me and you

I want you……………..God help me come through..and not miss You

the Only One

I saw you standing at the alter…I stood too… I saw your tears falling…I cried too

We fell on our knees…climb up on the cross..what gain we have from loss..

You moved forward and i watched in wonder..You spoke another language.. So I learned too..I watched the way you formed words… intellect beyond an eleven year old.. I was so proud of you..In fact I was in awe..I wanted to be just like you..you gave me a goal to shoot for..perfecting the aim came with time and tears (quite the bonus) I could trust your voice to push..push..me your heart was so pure you see.. 

I saw you walk in power..Power and you saw the sick healed..I learned of the Spirit from you..and your FaithChallenge anyone around you to pursue Holiness…

and then something changed…time took a toil on you..wounds left festering..bones unset..something was amiss..o be honest Its’ unclear what door was left unlocked.. the decay came in..you were most likely to young to even know..that’s how it usually happens anyway..

You jumped into numbness and enjoyed the thrill…of ? what? death?

your enemy became the person in the corner until (before you knew it) your were dining together..I know you were not aware..and you and compromise shock hands..his face marked with fake happiness.(see he lies) .yours with comfortable glee..or were you glassy?

and you have lived out your contract to the conforming..shockingly so..

Do you remember the first contract..signed in blood? Maybe you didn’t wat to hurt because healing sometimes stings to be sure..

but I wonder.

.no I marvel

at how we, in an effort to prevent the sting that comes from salvation bringing perfect life,we submit to death?

Please explain to me beloved one how momentary sacrifice is more difficult then being eternally estranged from the Only One who can save you..heal you..love you? Perfectly gracefully completely

Beloved I weep over you

and we meet from time to time…and you seem ashamed..because I know you know..and you refuse to let go of the very things that are killing you..You’ll never save yourself..

and you tell me you miss me..oh how I miss you too..I promise I m not the Only One who longs for you